First date nightmares - the poo edition

Dates going awry is nothing new. However, the following story is truly the stuff of nightmares.

If you don’t like embarrassment or bodily functions it’s best you look away now.

One fine Saturday evening Liam Smyth from Bristol took a date he met online to Nandos. So far so good. They returned to Smyth’s apartment for a drop of wine and a documentary, not long into the flick his date needed to go to the bathroom and as Liam shares, this is when the night went downhill.

"I went for a poo in your toilet," she said upon returning, "and it would not flush. I don't know why I did this, but I panicked", she continued. "I reached into the toilet bowl, wrapped it in tissue paper, and threw it out of the window."

“I was understandably concerned,” Smyth said. “and told her we would go outside, bag up the offending poo in the garden, bin it, and pretend the whole sorry affair had never happened.

"Unfortunately, owing to a design quirk of my house, the toilet window does not in fact open to the garden, but instead into a narrow gap of about a foot and a half, separated from the outside world by another (non-opening) double glazed window. It was into this twilight zone that my date had thrown her poo.

”Now, this is about to get worse before it gets better, dear readers. Smyth was going to break open the window in an attempt to retrieve the poo. However, he recounts that his date had other ideas.

“Being an amateur gymnast, she was convinced that she could reach into the window and pull the poo out, using the tried and tested 'inside out blag as glove' technique,” Smyth explained.

“Unfortunately she couldn't reach. She climbed further in and had the same problem. Eventually, I agreed to give her a boost up and into the window. She climbed in head first after her own turd, reached deeper into the window, bagged it up, and passed it out, over the top and back into the toilet from whence it came. She called out to me to help her climb out from the window, I grabbed her waist, and I pulled. But she was stuck. Stuck fast. Try as we might, we could not remove her from the window. She was stuck, upside down in the gap.”

As the minutes passed Smyth became more and more concerned for his dates well-being, 15 minutes went by not being able to get her out. So he did the only thing he could think of, he called the fire brigade. The Fireries came a running and were able to free the lady by smashing the offending window.

Now how did the internet find out about this awful tale? In an attempt to recoup the cost of his smashed window, Smyth created a GoFundMe page because the repairs were going to cost him around £300. He shared all the details of the catastrophe including images, and it’s worked he’s raised £1,765 in 19 hours, far exceeding his goal.

So, what’s the moral of the story? There’s no need to feel so ashamed of your natural body functions that you need to perform window acrobatics. Or date someone who isn’t going to write about your unfortunate mishaps on the internet, 300 quid or not.

You can see the full GoFundMe page for yourself here.

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