Dating outside of your usual type: a guide to getting started

One of the great advantages of going online is that you can expand your potential pool of available singles. Online dating is now a very acceptable option for singles to meet up and fall in love. With so many turning to the internet to find the one, it allows you the opportunity to really move outside your comfort zone and meet all sorts of different types. So what’s the best way to get started on breaking the mould?

Before you launch into meeting a variety of different singles, it’s worthwhile taking a moment to think about your previous patterns and what you need to change. Then you can really shake things up moving forward. Follow these steps to help you on your way:

1) Identify your wrong types Take some time to look back at your previous significant relationships. You want to get clear about what was wrong with each of these partners – “why weren’t they right for me?” Make a list of the signs of the wrong types and stay away from them (e.g. already attached, binge drinker, can’t commit, workaholic, has a problem ex, overinvolved mother, unemployed, controlling etc.).

2) Learn from your past mistakes

Then think about what you need to do different in your next relationship? How have you contributed to the break-ups, and what can you change when you start dating different types of people. Who do you really want to be in your next relationship? (e,g. more active, outgoing, more assertive, less bossy etc.).

3) Identify some new types

Once you’ve got clear about what you need to avoid, and how you’re going to be different in your next relationship, focus on identifying some new types of partners. You may have several new, different types of people you want to date – who are nothing like your usual mould (e.g. older, younger, outdoorsy, non-drinker, sporty, wine lover, spiritual, solo parent etc.).

4) Visualise

Once you know what types you want to date, make a point of visualising going out with these sorts of individuals. Spend a little time each day thinking/ fantasising about dating these people. Fill your mind with successful dating experiences that give you a really different positive outcome.

5) Be disciplined

Finally, make a commitment to this process. It will be very easy to simply fall back into old habits and start dating the same old type of person. It’s what you know, and it will come naturally to you. Instead, be strong and disciplined. Stay away from the wrong types and keep searching for new, exciting and different. Remember:

If you want different – you have to do different.

John Aiken, RSVP dating and relationship psychologist, as seen on the hit show Married At First Sight, and on Ch 9’s Today show, Today Extra and A Current Affair. He is a best-selling author, regularly appears on radio and in magazines, runs a private practice in Sydney, and is a sought after speaker. (

  • Instagram - Black Circle
  • Facebook - Black Circle
  • Twitter - Black Circle
  • YouTube - Black Circle

© 2020