One of the big challenges that you face when first going out with someone is learning to trust them. For some of you, this will cone more easily than for others. However, if you have a situation that arises where you catch your new date not telling you about something, what should you do?
Let’s just say you saw them out and about in the week-end (on social media), but they said they were just busy. How should you bring this up with them?
The key to discussing this issue is to make sure that you do it in a way that doesn’t seem controlling, obsessive, and intense. You have to be casual, light, playful and curious. After all, there could be a very good explanation for all of this! You don’t want to jump to any conclusions and ruin the start of a good thing.
So the next time you meet up with them you want to ask in a curious way about their week-end. You might tell them that you saw them on Instagram, or a mutual friend of yours was telling you about them on social media. Then let them talk about what they did. Allow them the chance to explain the week-end. Don’t jump in.
If they’re a bit vague, then prompt them more about some of the things you saw them doing and who they were with, and ask them how they enjoyed themselves and how they know their circle of friends? The whole time be aware not to judge, interrogate, or criticize them.
Then even things up and tell them about what you did over the week-end and who you spent time with. Give them a sense that this is just a catch-up conversation, not an intense interrogation.
This should be enough to calm your mind and allow you to move forward happily.
Remember - it’s ok early on that your date goes out and does things with other people if they have the urge to do this without telling you. They were independent before you met, and they’re still going to remain independent now that you’re dating. Remind yourself that this will change over time, but for now, you both need to be carefree and open to doing things that you’ve always done without checking in with each other.
John Aiken, RSVP dating and relationship psychologist, as seen on the hit show Married At First Sight, and on Ch 9’s Today show, Today Extra and A Current Affair. He is a best-selling author, regularly appears on radio and in magazines, runs a private practice in Sydney, and is a sought after speaker. (www.johnaiken.com.au)